Since it's just past the new year, i shall get started on reflections and resolutions now.

alright looking back at the goals i set for year 2009, i think ive set my mind to achieve some but im not exactly there yet.

1. Improvement in sports
2. Improvement in personal relationships
3. Be a better leader i.e. more confident and take more initiative
4. Not be such a perfectionist
5. (the most impt) enjoy life

anyway if i havent told you before, last year's so-called motto was "ENJOY LIFE". i dont know how come i suddenly recognized that it was so important to live life everyday happily. but it's a good thing to bear in mind everyday, well ironically, it keeps me happy. so my life last year, (gah i keep forgetting it's 'last' not 'this') has been quite smooth sailing.

okay

1. i think a major major achievement this year was napfa test yay. kai and i trained pull ups during break time. we called it "hanging". and i remember just before bio test we tested each other an essay topic and had to hang on the bar till we came up with the answers. quite torturous right. anyway super super elated when we both got an A. so pat pat on the back^^

yes and more running/swimming sessions each week. plus dance lessons. so (Y)

2. wow i hate personal relationships. *recalls lee wei ling's article. why do human have to be so social. hmm sometimes being sociable turns out to be quite an enjoyment, like having people's company and so on, but things get a little frustrating when relationships dont work out. i dnk. have you ever experienced times when you wanna lock yourself in the house and just have an all alone time? or like being sick and tired of having to be someone fun when deep inside you're very tired already. some people are just hyper all the time i dont know how they do it but they create all the fun. and im really just a very boring person who just stays nice all the time to avoid having enemies. cause i hate it when people suddenly dislike me for something. it's very very uncomfortable for me. and getting misunderstandings it's quite terrible i've even cried over things like that this year.

another thing which i have posted before. it's so hard to maintain long-term relationships like friendships/family relations. i experienced tons of ups and downs of these last year. and fights/silent wars always make me break down in the most terrible ways. i dont cry over results or setbacks or injuries but this kinda thing affects me a lot. but im quite glad it's all over now and it's a fresh start for all of us this year.

3. leadership is something else i've been deeply inspired by last year. last time i used to think that being a leader was just being good in something you do. being better than everyone else. or being guai or something like that. but it's a terribly wrong idea i had. i've witnessed so many leaders last year and it's so amazing the power and respect they command. it's not easy. i think ive mentioned to people before about leaders im inspired by, even if they're not well-liked, it's not an easy feat. and have i mentioned before, my idol is really lky. even if he has done how many wrongs just to fix singapore. leaders like him, even present in our school, in other careers other than politicians, make a lot of difference to all of us. being able to stand in front of a crowd, poised, confident, getting everyone to listen and follow what he says, being close to everyone just like a friend yet at the same time command respect.

in every situation a leader will show up. and it takes a certain character to be that leader. and i think i lack quite a lot as of now. even though i have so many leadership chances i dont think i've performed up to standard. doesnt a leader feel afraid that what he is doing might be wrong, that he's leading everyone in the wrong way? or doing something wrong in front of everyone and be embarassed? or isit just me who's just too shy and fearful of mistakes?

the concept of leadership leaves me perplexed most of the time. and im not very good with words, so speeches that inspire and motivate uhhh just not me.

4. PERFECTIONISM. urgh i dread this a lot. ive been trying to change so much. okay honestly im a perfectionist really cause of how my mum nfluences me. okay and everytime i do something i demand a lot out of myself and it's really quite selfish sometimes, just to prioritize yourself above everything else. and in a group work last time i tend to be really domineering and i cannot stand it when something is wrong or when someone else cant achieve my standard. i know it's so terrible so mean so urgh que1 de2 so i usually talk to the person nicely and try to 'tolerate'. sometimes i cant stand myself for trying to achieve perfection when i know it's not possible. im ashamed of my own flaws sometimes and i feel terrible when im not as good. maybe some people understand the way i feel i dont know. take for example, exam results, when i get careless mistakes im upset. but people around me are upset for marks which are lower than me. so they are angry that im upset over my score. but. it's the way i am. aye anyway this whole thing is quite confusing im just ranting cause i hate how inferior i feel about myself sometimes yet i cant change it.

anyway now i keep telling myself nothing is perfect. this needs to be improved on next year.

5. enjoy life!

yes nothing much to be said about this. this is a good motto when it comes to making decision. being an indecisive person i am, i always try to bear this in mind and do that matrix thingy and come to a decision. so spending money sometimes on a lot of food, shopping, watching movies, spending so much time on dramas e..g bof <3 it's all for enjoyment and self-contentment. feeling happy(: and this i can proudly say i have achieved (most of the time).

eeks it's such a long entry i havent even started on resolutions. i shall do it tomorrow then. i type so quickly that words come out at the same speed which i am thinking (at least i think so).